


Dragon Chlamydia

by showmeyourtardis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Marauders' Era, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:58:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4157841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showmeyourtardis/pseuds/showmeyourtardis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A chance encounter leads to James being humiliated in front of the prettiest girl he's ever met. Please someone tell him why on earth he's even friends with Sirius, Remus, and Peter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dragon Chlamydia

Feet pounding on the cobblestones, James ducked to avoid the second curse launched at his head. It whizzed past his ear, crackling and ominous. He skidded around a corner, bouncing his shoulder off the wall. Footsteps and shouts followed him. Stumbling forward, he ran past Zonko's, accidentally shoving a couple of wizards out of his way.

Honeydukes loomed to his right, and he knew he couldn't run forever. They'd catch him soon enough. Maybe he could duck into Honeydukes. If he couldn't escape them, he could at least distract them with a mountainous pile of chocolate frogs. A chocolate frog army, perhaps.

Okay, so technically, all of this was his fault. Maybe he shouldn't have trip jinxed all of his friends near the lake. In his defense, he hadn't intended for  _all_ of them to go into the lake, just Sirius. It wasn't his fault that Remus had been holding Sirius's hand at the time, and Peter had been crouched nearby. How was he to know that magically pushing Sirius would take them all down? It wasn't his fault, they should just forgive him.

Although, collapsing into uncontrollable laughter probably hadn't helped...

Another hex flew past him, missing his ear by a millimeter. He had to escape their sight, it would give him more chance of survival. Honestly, how they were running with soaking clothes was beyond him. He stifled a laugh, and shoved through a nearby crowd.

“Sorry, sorry, excuse me. Sorry. Oops, sorry. Coming through, beep beep.” James shouted, as he elbowed and ducked through people. There was lots of angry grumbling and threats, but frankly these threats were nothing compared to Sirius's revenge. He was known for his lack of restraint when it came to revenge.

James paused briefly outside Honeydukes to admire the crowd. There were tons of people waiting to get inside. What the hell was going on? He couldn't get inside now, and he couldn't exactly queue up with three very angry wizards after him.

“Fuck.” James muttered.

He glanced behind him, he couldn't see his friends. Okay, he had to think fast. He bounced on the balls of his feet, breathing heavily. Behind him shouts of complaint sounded, and that told him Peter, Remus, and Sirius were close, probably shoving people out of the way to find him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” James said again, picturing himself bald, or with boils, or transformed into a blast-ended skrewt.

There was a flash of red hair to his right. The world's stupidest plan formed in his head. He didn't have time to think about how bad this plan was. He could only act. There was no way he was being turned into a blast-ended skrewt.

“I'm so sorry.” James said.

He grabbed the girl who had just passed him and pulled her head to his. He pressed their lips together, and angled her to hide him from view. He couldn't exactly think about the girl he was kissing, or how she smelt like violets. In the time it took the girl to figure out what had happened, his friends had ran past calling his name.

James pulled away, dropping his hands from the girls arms, and watched Peter's back disappear around the back of Honeydukes. He smiled triumphantly and breathed a sigh of relief. He had done it, he had escaped them. Maybe he could get to the station before they found him and head home. Or maybe he could take Sirius's motorbike home, and leave them to get the train home. They were already mad at him, how much worse could it be?

His relief was short-lived. A hand shot out and smacked across his face. His cheek stung. His skin was on fire. He grasped the side of his face, and stared slack-jawed at the girl.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” She screeched.

Uh oh. It seemed James had accidentally kissed a banshee.

“Do I look like some tart you can just kiss whenever you feel like!” She screeched again.

James looked down at her short skirt and thin sweater. She didn't look like a tart. She did have nice legs though, he thought, folding his arms across his chest. Her hand shot out and caught the same cheek.

“OW! Stop hitting me!” He shouted back, covering his burning cheek with his hand again.

“STOP STARING AT MY LEGS!” She shouted. People were starting to stare at them now. Pretty soon, James wouldn't just be running from his friends, he'd be running from an angry mob too.

“I'm sorry.” James whispered, he grabbed the girl's wrist and gently lead her away from the crowd. He knew he was being creepy, and pushing his luck way too far, but he didn't want the crowd to get the wrong idea.

Once out of everyone's sight, he dropped her arm like it had caught fire, “I didn't mean to offend you, I was just running from my friends.” 

“So you kissed me?” She hissed.

“Well, they'd never expect me to be kissing a pretty girl, would they?” He smiled.

She folded her arms across her chest and arched one perfectly groomed eyebrow. He looked at her face and saw that she was absolutely beautiful. She had soft looking skin, sprinkled with freckles. Her hair was dark red, and styled into a messy braid over her shoulder. And her eyes, _oh Merlin_. They were so bright, so green, they conjured images of summer fields with soft grass, and lazy days spent watching the clouds.

“Calling me pretty isn't going to make me forgive you!” She snapped. Considering the top of her head only reached James's shoulder, she was so imposing. She was actually quite frightening.

James knew kissing someone against their will was not a good thing to do. He knew she had every right to be angry at him. Hell, if she wanted to kick him in his most tender area, he wouldn't blame her. But the thought of being stuck as a blast-ended skrewt, at the mercy of his vengeful friends, had made him act out.

He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. It wouldn't be long before Sirius, Remus, and Peter came back to Honeydukes to look for him.

He shoved his glasses back on, and looked into those brilliant eyes, “I really am sorry. You don't have to forgive me, but I was scared of being a blast-ended skrewt, or a bowtruckle, or a cockroach. I didn't know what they'd do to me, and I had to hide somehow. And then there you were, like a shiny, red-headed savior.” 

Through James's rambling, the girl had drawn her eyebrows together in confusion, “You were scared of what?”

“It doesn't matter. I'm just sorry.” James said, sincerely.

She narrowed her eyes at him, but James thought she was softening towards him. She at least hadn't slapped him in the last two minutes, which had to count for something.

“I'll make it up to you.” James promised, running a hand through his hair, “You can kiss me whenever you want.” 

She rolled her eyes, “Is never good for you?”

“Not really.” James admitted.

“Never touch me ever again.” The girl ordered. James was about to open his mouth to protest, when she stepped forward. Her wand was pressed against the tip of his nose, “Or I will make sure no girl ever kisses you ever again, understood?” 

James was too afraid to speak. He just nodded. Satisfied, the girl removed her wand and returned it to her pocket. She spun on her heels and stalked off. James watched her go, feeling a mixture of fear and attraction for this strange girl.

He called for her before she disappeared, “Wait!”

She stopped, and he was surprised that had actually worked. He had expected a curse at least. She hesitated before walking back towards him. The breeze freed a few small strands of hair from her braid. Once she was stood in front of him again, she placed her hands on her hips and waited for whatever he had to say.

He hadn't actually thought this far ahead.

“Um, what's your name?” James asked, mentally kicking himself for calling her back. He was risking life and limb for this girl, there was just something about her. 

“What?” She asked, looking incredulous.

“What's your... what's your name?” James asked, realising how insane he must seem.

For a second, she looked like she wasn't going to answer. Then, by some miracle, she cleared her throat, “Lily.” 

“Like the flower?” 

“No, like the country.” She snapped.

“Has anyone ever told you you're very mean?” James asked. He could have imagined it, but James was sure he saw her smile just the tiniest bit. He shoved his hands into his pockets and smiled back at her, “I'm James Potter.” 

“Nice to meet you, Potter. Now please, never touch me again.” She said, and spun on her heels once more.

James opened his mouth to ask her to stay. Before he could, his hands locked to his sides, his legs snapped together and he landed with a crash on the ground. The world spun around him, and he couldn't even groan in pain. A body bind curse. That meant only one thing – Peter Pettigrew.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

A flying motorbike landed nearby. From the corner of his eye, James could see Lily had stopped in shock. He both wanted her to stay and also leave – so that she never met his tosser friends. He could only imagine what would happen if she met Sirius, especially when he was out for revenge against James.

Sirius, Peter, and Remus, jumped off the bike. Remus and Peter walked towards James, standing by each of his shoulders. Remus and Peter, using a mixture of charms, managed to get him into a standing position without releasing him from his bind. He was now in the perfect position to lock eyes with Sirius, who was grinning broadly and approaching Lily.

_Oh no, oh no. Please no._ James wanted to shout, tell Lily to leave now, but he couldn't. The most he could do was scream mentally, and hope that it wouldn't be as bad as he was imagining.

Sirius held his hand out for Lily, “Ignotius Longpole from the Ministry.”

Lily took his hand tentatively. Remus and Peter leaned James against the wall, and James looked at Peter. The three of them were dry, and looking very thrilled by this turn of events. James had never regretted a curse so much in his entire life. If he could go back to the lake he wouldn't send them all in...

Or he would, because it was so hilarious.

“Is he okay?” Lily asked, releasing Sirius's hand and looking at James. Despite everything, James was happy to see the hint of worry in her eyes.

“No need to worry, ma'am.” Sirius said, sounding professional for the first time in his life, “We're just getting our patient back to Saint Mungo's.” 

“Saint Mungo's?” Lily asked, looking alarmed.

Peter shoved an arm into the crook of James's elbow, and Remus did the same on the other side. They pulled him away from the wall, and dragged him towards the motorbike. The heels of his trainers would be worn down to nothing after this.

James could still hear Sirius, as he was being abducted, “Yes, it's a very sad case. You see, he's got Dragon Chlamydia.” 

James wanted to shout and tried his voice again. Nothing came out. He wanted to tell Lily that he absolutely did not have Dragon Chlamydia! He wanted to curse Sirius so badly, he would still feel it in ten years. And Peter and Remus too, he thought, as they dragged him up into the side car of the motorbike. This was like some kind of nightmare.

“Are you joking?” Lily asked. James hoped she wouldn't be fooled by Sirius. Though, he knew Sirius could be convincing when he wanted to be.

Remus hopped off the side car and onto the ground, “Madam, please! We would never joke about such a serious and debilitating disease.”

A garbled, choking sound came from James. It wasn't quite what he was trying to say, but it told him the binding spell was weakening at least. If he concentrated he might be able to get it off. He knew it had been Peter who cast it – it was his signature spell. Surely there was a way to use that against the spell? Anything,  _anything,_ to tell Lily none of this was true.

He could no longer see Lily, or Sirius and Remus, but he knew they were still there. He could hear Sirius's pitying voice, “Such a sad illness, it's already affecting him.” 

“ It is?” Lily asked, and James was horrified to hear how convinced she sounded. She couldn't possibly believe he had  _Dragon Chlamydia_ could she? It didn't even sound real, for Merlin's sakes!

Another sound came from James's throat, it sounded almost like he was growling. He might as well have been. He was seething, he was plotting his revenge. If his teeth hadn't been clamped together by the spell, they would have been grinding in fury anyway. He hadn't meant to push them all into the lake, they didn't have to ruin  _the only chance_ he would get with the prettiest girl he had ever met. 

“Yes.” Peter answered her question. He maneuvered James so he could see Lily, Remus, and Sirius, then sat in the side car next to him, “You see, he's actually an eighty year old man.” 

Remus and Sirius turned to stare at Peter, struggling to hide their glee. Worry and confusion played on Lily's pretty face, and James tried to appeal to her with his eyes.

_Surely you don't believe these idiots?_ He tried to ask. All he managed out loud, though, was a coughing sound.

Barely holding off his laughter, Remus turned back to Lily, “Yes, he is. A side effect of... Dragon Chlamydia is severe de-aging.”

Sirius turned his back to Lily and walked towards James, beaming. He bent down and patted James's shoulder.

“There, there, Mr. Potter!” Sirius shouted into James's ear. The binding spell prevented James from pulling his head away from Sirius's voice. He was already so furious, but he got even angrier. He was going to kill his best friends.

“Don't worry, we'll take you back to Saint Mungo's before this nice lady sees your hideous boils!” Sirius shouted, acting as though James, the eighty year old man, was deaf.

James was practically frothing at the mouth now. From beyond Lily's sight, Sirius grinned delightedly. He clambered over James, making sure to step on his arm as he did, and mounted the motorbike. Peter wriggled next to James to get comfortable, forcing James's face onto the cold metal of the side car. He could still see Lily, and Remus who was still talking to her.

“Another side effect is snitch-sized boils.” He explained to a disgusted Lily.

James managed another noise, something that sounded almost like a word. He was close now, he could feel the spell weakening. He only had a few seconds before the others realised and flew him away from Lily. He focused on the feeling of his fingers, willing them to move.

“Such a sad disease.” Remus stage-whispered, glancing at James with sad eyes. He held his hand out for Lily, “It was nice meeting you. I promise he'll never bother you again.” 

“Um... okay.” Lily said, releasing Remus's hand.

Remus nodded goodbye to her, and walked towards the bike. He ruffled James's hair, before clambering onto the bike behind Sirius. Lily watched, as Sirius kicked the bike into gear and made them airborne. James met eyes with the prettiest girl he'd ever met, as he was forcefully taken away.

**#**

“She was pretty.” Remus said, sipping his butterbeer.

“Way out of your league.” Sirius added.

“Even if you didn't have Dragon Chlamydia.” Peter chimed in.

“I hate you all.” James said for the thousandth time that day.

“Now, Mr. Potter, that's not very nice. We're here to help, remember?” Sirius said, slipping back into his  _Ignotius Longpole from the Ministry_ voice, “You'll never cure your Dragon-”   
James aimed his wand at Sirius's face, “Say Dragon Chlamydia one more time, I dare you.” 

Sirius held his hands up in surrender and James lowered his wand. With a sigh, he asked, “How do you even get Dragon Chlamydia?” 

“You have sex with a dragon.” Sirius said, as though it were obvious.

James downed the rest of his butterbeer and looked around him. The Three Broomsticks looked exactly the same as it always did. James was feeling sad and mopey, now that he'd lost Lily. He had known her for less than a day, and kissed her once, but he missed her so much. He at least wanted another shot at getting her to forgive him.

He doubted that would happen now though. No girl would date a Dragon Chlamydia sufferer, who was actually an eighty year old man in disguise, with snitch-sized boils. He groaned and lowered his head to the table.

“Aw, Prongsy, it'll be fine.” Sirius said.

“Yeah, I'm sure she'll send you a get well soon card or something.” Remus offered.

“Shut up, or I will kill you all.” James muttered.

“Touchy.” Peter said.

“Another side effect of the-” Remus was cut off when James aimed his wand at him.

James sat up, keeping his wand aimed at Remus. He glared at each of his friends in turn. Peter looked slightly fearful, Remus looked almost apologetic, but Sirius just looked amused and delighted, like Christmas had come early.

James pushed away from the table and stood up. He grabbed his empty glass and headed for the bar.

“Hey, grab me a-”

“No.” James said, cutting Sirius off.

“Careful everyone! Chlamydia patient coming through!” Sirius shouted, as James stormed off.

James tried to ignore all the cautious and disgusted looks thrown at him. He nodded to Madam Rosmerta and ordered another butterbeer. She didn't chat with him like usual, probably sensing his bubbling anger at his friends, and his sadness about Lily. It would take him a long time to get over this.

Once his butterbeer had been poured, and he'd paid, he headed back for the table. He maneuvered between tables full of people who eyed him with suspicion. When he caught sight of his table, he stopped dead. There was a flash of red in his seat.

Lily.

He looked around himself and back to her. He could probably run. He could probably turn around and calmly walk out without her ever seeing him. He  _so_ did not want to see her. Even before meeting Sirius, Remus, and Peter, Lily hadn't exactly been into him. He placed his full butterbeer on the table next to him, where a dad and his kids stared at it.

“Keep it.” James said, turning around.

He could do this. If he just walked calmly and didn't act suspiciously, no one would notice. He ducked his head slightly and headed for the double doors. A large witch in purple robes blocked his way, and he stopped, waiting for her to move.

“Oh, Mr. Potter!” Sirius's voice met his ears.

“Fuck it all.” James said. The witch in purple robes turned to glare at him. He turned around, letting out a sigh, and headed back for his table – towards humiliation.

He grabbed the still-full butterbeer he'd left behind, ignoring the whine of complaint from one of the children. He swigged greedily at the drink. It was non-alcoholic, and a firewhiskey would have worked a lot better.

“Where were you going?” Remus asked with a grin, when James got to the table.

“Shut up.” James snapped.

Lily slid further into the booth, making room for him. Steeling himself for whatever was to come, he slid in next to her, trying to avoid looking at her. He glared at Sirius who was looking more and more like an excited child in Honeydukes.

“Hi again.” Lily said, pulling her own butterbeer towards her.

“Hey.” James said, without looking at her. He was being rude and blunt, he knew it. He was too embarrassed to look at her or be friendly though. He knew the second he tried talking to her, Sirius would chime in with talk of his medication or his bloody  _snitch-sized boils._

No one said anything for a long time. James held his breath. He didn't want her to leave, he could smell the violets on her. He also didn't want her to stay. The longer she stayed, the higher the chance of Sirius thinking of something to say.

“How's your treatment going?” Lily asked. James turned to face her and saw the smile on her face. He could still fix this, he realised. She didn't believe the lies she'd been told, thankfully.

He opened his mouth to explain everything, but no sound came out. He tried again, forming the words on his tongue, but failing to actually make a sound. He glanced across the table, just in time to see Remus tucking his wand back into his pocket. Damn traitor!

“He can't talk.” Remus explained, “Another side effect.”

“He spoke before.” Lily said, looking almost as amused as Sirius.

Sirius shrugged, “I don't know what to tell you.” 

She shot a smile at James, and drank some more of her butterbeer. James decided it was best to just let this play out. He couldn't speak, and if he tried he'd be punished by his friends. He might as well just ride this out and wait to see what happens. Maybe he'd get a date out of this, maybe he'd be ostracized for his contagious disease.

“And he's eighty years old?” She asked Peter.

He nodded. She pursed her lips in thought. Remus, Sirius, Peter, and James watched her with interest. She hadn't ran away screaming which was a good sign... or maybe it was a bad sign. How mad did you have to be to sit with someone suffering from Dragon Chlamydia?

“Okay.” She said finally. She angled in her seat to face James, her knee brushing his thigh. He looked back at her, and smiled slightly. She smiled at him, her eyes crinkling. “Since you can't speak, I'm just going to ask you yes or no questions, okay?” 

James nodded, and she continued, “Do you want to date me?”

Sirius almost choked on his butterbeer and Remus grabbed his arm in shock. Peter was staring at her wide-eyed, and James was slack-jawed again. He quickly came back to his senses and nodded enthusiastically.

“Let's meet here at two o'clock this Friday.” Lily said, and James nodded again. She leaned forward and pecked his cheek, to the shock of everyone at the table.

“I've always wanted to date an eighty year old.” She added with a mischievous grin.

James slid out of the booth to allow her to stand up. He sat back down, feeling slightly dumbstruck. She draped her bag over her shoulder, “It was nice meeting you Ignotius. I'll see you on Friday, Potter.”

She turned around to leave but paused. Lily turned back to James, with an almost tentative look, “You know I was joking about the eighty year old thing, right?”

James nodded again and she smiled. She turned around, and walked away. James, feeling smug, turned back to his butterbeer and drank. He glanced up at his friends who looked astonished at this turn of events. Remus removed James's silencio charm.

“I can't believe that just happened.” Remus said.

“There's something wrong with her.” Sirius concluded.

“Yeah, who dates a Dragon Chlamydia-ridden eighty year old man?” Peter asked sounding astounded.

“Only the best girl in the world. I really have to thank you guys, if you weren't such dicks, I probably never would have won her over.” James said arrogantly. He finished off his butterbeer and stood up. He clapped his hands together once, “So, who's up for a quick swim in the lake?” 

He was halfway towards the door before his friends had clambered from their seats. He skidded out the door, dodging a curse launched at his head. He laughed as he ran. It didn't matter if they caught him now, because Lily was meeting him on Friday.

Lily, with her red hair and her incredible green eyes, was meeting him on Friday.  _This_ Friday, in three days time. Maybe she'd wear that skirt again. He glanced behind him, catching sight of his furious friends. He wasn't sure how he'd escape them.

Then again, he was sure Lily would be more willing to kiss him this time.

 


End file.
